No, really, I do. I try to be Super Woman. And while I rock it 98.5% of the time, there's sometimes I fail. I fail because I try to do too much, and when I take on too much, something is going to give somewhere..or everywhere..
I always take on new tasks, and kick ass until I am worn out. My personality is the kind that is very driven, but it comes at a cost.The cost is normally ME. I am the one that runs myself into the ground, or becomes stricken with anxiety because of my constant need to feel accepted, approved, or praised. I am an ACOA... no doubt about it.. and I work hard at pleasing other people, or getting their praise. All is this stems from a simple concept I have an addictive personality, and I have inherited the behaviors of an addict. Most of you know where I inherited those behaviors from, but let me talk to you about my addictive personality. I started at a very young age being addicted to pleasure. Most of the pleasure I was seeking was positive praise (like any child), but then quickly turned to food. I used food to help me celebrate, and to console me. I ate...and ate...and ate... and ATE.... Next, my addiction was being busy by being involved in whatever I could be involved in, including work. From the age of 15 I had a job (Hersheypark Happy), then at 16 I had 2 jobs and I wanted to be the best employee ever.and I got promoted pretty quickly when I worked. Then I was addicted to my first love. He was my world, and didn't deserve it, but what did I know I fell in love at 17, and that relationship lasted 2.5 years too many.So because of my bad relationships, never feeling appreciated or loved, never feeling as if I mattered, I needed to be consoled further. I wanted the pain to go away.SO I drowned it out, but this time I turned to alcohol and partying with people who would further take advantage of me. I did things that I NEVER EVER thought I would do or wanted to do because I saw it happen to the addict in my family, and I didn't want to be like that person. BUT I WAS... and I had to break out of that funk...and regain a somewhat "normal" life.... so I moved to Pittsburgh, and became addicted to exercise, and receiving attention. I lost a total of 71lbs. Went from 218-147 in a little over 2 years. I felt great, yet I was still in serious internal conflict and pain. Pittsburgh was the best decision I ever made, because it allowed me to really get to know me, but I just needed the right person to help begin to heal the pain I had inside... and I met Wayne. (that man deserves a whole different post for the things he's been through, stuck by, and helped me with). So over the course of the next 9 years, I have been a workaholic, exercise fanatic, and a perfectionist at everything I do. I have gained a little weight back, and it's KILLING ME!! (mind you, I have had a child and I don't exercise everyday (sometimes 2 times a day) like I used to. I am also not as mindful with my calories as I used to be either.... ANYWAY... I am proud of what I do and accomplish, but I am finally realizing that I can't live my life like this much longer, and I don't want to because I want to spend more time with my boys... Xavier and Wayne.
This week has really been a whirlwind. I have been getting up at 5 am, doing Insanity, busting my butt in my classroom all day, then come home to do jewelry or school work, and be with my family. This weekend I have 2 jewelry shows. I am super excited about it, but yet, hence the reason for the post..I feel as if I'm doing toooo much. I don't have the energy, like I used to, and time is definitely a lot more shorter now than it was when I was 23. Isn't that something... time goes faster the older you get.
I realize I am rambling, and I know I need to get to the point which is..... i am an over eater, overachiever, over analyzer, over thinker, and I am over it. I apologize for not being the best blogger, but I guess I got shorthanded somewhere. Till next time...
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